I write this entry today feeling misplaced, forgotten, discarded, but ultimately, deceived. Thinking about what my life will be like moving forward is incredibly overwhelming and it finally brought me to tears after pushing away such intrusive thoughts for the past few days. And I was doing so well. #justmyluck
The only way that I can describe how I’m feeling is a visualization of dark clouds slowly floating around in my head. Their winds are so high that the power might go out. But I already feel like I’ve lost my electricity, and I’m struggling to find a match to light a candle or two before it gets too dark.
Divorce agreements, processing the past few months – wait – six and a half years, as well as trying to figure out where the hell I’m going to live at the end of our lease, is creating this undeniable storm inside of me. If I’m lucky, maybe it’ll come out as anger.
I say that because I’ve yet to find my anger, although I can feel twinges of it lately. Besides the affair, which is a lot to unpack in itself, I’m forced to think about the other ways he’s intricately deceived me. He married me before telling me he never actually wanted kids. Surprise! This happened after years of discussing baby names (often broached by him), expressing interest in coaching little league and everything in between. I was very clear with him at the beginning of our relationship that I wanted children. That was never a negotiation. But he waited to tell me after six months of marriage, “I never wanted kids” and “I only married you to make my family proud.” What the actual fuck. He had nothing but time to tell me how he really felt. But instead, he moved in with me. Then he proposed. Then we planned a wedding. Then he married me.
Now I am here trying to pick up the pieces but can’t completely do that just yet. It’s hard to see the pieces with tears in my eyes. They distort my vision and I eventually have to give up and try another day.
Because of his calculated and self-serving lies, I have to start all over in my mid-30’s. Now I worry he took away my chances of having a family of my own. Now I worry about affording a decent place to live on my salary. Now I worry about making ends meet. I am genuinely terrified for my future.
Send me some positive thoughts, peeps. Today I struggle with finding the silver lining within these clouds that occupy my head, but I know they must be somewhere.