“Going through the motions” really takes on its own meaning when the big D is thrown into the mix. First, you have to sustain all the bullshit thrown your way BEFORE divorce is even discussed. You know, the gas lighting, passive aggressive (or full blow aggressive) bullshit, the tears, the feelings of loneliness and constantly questioning, “How did it come to this?” Can’t forget the ::cough cough cheating cough cough:: Tears, tears and more tears. In fact, there was a point I was crying WITHOUT tears because my body couldn’t produce them as quickly as they were being released. Who knew that was even a thing? Sleepless nights, self medicating, loss of appetite, family commenting on how “drawn” you look as if they didn’t know that life opened up a can of whoop-ass on you. The list goes on, right?
Then you graduate to the next level which only reminds me of the movie The Platform (speaking of losing your appetite…): Making the decision to call a lawyer. Then you hire said lawyer. Then you complete a bunch of forms as quickly yet as efficiently as possibly to get this shit storm started. In The Platform, you wake up on a different level every month. The smaller the level number, the better off you were because it meant a better chance at eating. Being at the beginning of my divorce now reminds me of that. Some days I wake up and I’m on Level 2 (not too shabby!) and feel on top of the world. On these days I’m funny, I have patience, and I am hopeful – dare I say excited – about my future. Then there are days that I’m on Level 78. Level 78 days are complete with irritability, lack of motivation, anxiety to the 10th power and the inability to answer my phone – even to answer a text.
When people ask me how I’m doing now, I answer exactly how I’m feeling in that moment. I can go from being “good” to “alright” (my professional response at work when I really want to say “shit fucking sucks”) back to “good” all within a couple hours. It’s a wild, confusing ride.
Today, if I had to give a number, I would say I’m on Level 10. Functioning, appear pleasant, but annoyed every time I see a message on my phone. Actually, venting on this site maybe moved me to Level 8 – we will see how the rest of the night goes.
My phone annoys me but emails don’t!! Send me some love and I’ll send some back. Also, check out my new Instagram @just_my_effing_luck 🙂