March 7, 2021
I took a hiatus from writing because life got real. And by “real”, I just mean that I’ve been pretty depressed. While I’ve been functioning remarkably well for someone who just had her life turned upside down, I still can’t shake the feeling of being so misplaced in this world. Is this really how life is supposed to go for me?
After celebrating my 34th birthday this week *gag* I called a divorce lawyer. It was somewhat comforting having some of my questions answered, but after hanging up my anxiety started playing a fun game called, “Let’s Think Of Ways This Divorce Can Go South, Fast!” I mean, I’m talking divorce after only 10 months of marriage so obviously things are south already. But how can things possibly go worse? Where will I be when this is all over? Will I be able to afford to put a roof over my head on my salary? Will he drag out the process, while I’m trying to cut my losses of the hurt he’s caused over the past 6 months?
If you knew who we were as a couple before this pandemic, you would be absolutely floored. We were so in love and people could see that just by being in our presence. He was my very best friend for 6 years. I don’t have the mental energy to explain everything that he was to me, other than to say he was my whole world. Just take my word for it because I’m still not ready to go into detail.
So after a 30 minute phone call with a divorce lawyer, I took a deep breath and gave myself a metaphoric pat on the back. “I’m buying you something nice tonight, girl” I thought to myself. Making that call was so surreal, yet at the same time was the best and hardest decision I’ve made in a long time. Deep down (and I mean really deep), I know this is the right thing to do. I need to focus on getting my life on track and I cannot do that while still attached to him in any sort of way. Not after what he did. I am still completely in love with him, but I have to redirect that energy into loving myself. I promise that I will get there one day.
So, how many times can I hashtag #justmyluck before it gets boring to read? Well let me tell you something: If the following series of events bores you, then you truly don’t have an empathic bone in your body (I promise it’s not all doom and gloom). Take two minutes to put yourself in my shoes: A now 34 year old woman who just called a divorce lawyer. A heartbroken bride who thought she’d have forever with the man who presented himself to be different than the others. An absolute sucker who believes she actually felt her heart break when her husband told her, “I only married you to because I thought it would make my family proud” and “I never wanted kids anyway.” Ouch.
Back to my story. After my conversation with the lawyer ended, I sat on my couch and reflected (while also promising myself a new pair of jeans – self-care, peeps). After staring into space for a few seconds, I whipped out my phone again to check my email. I had a notification from UPS: MY WEDDING DRESS HAD JUST BEEN DELIVERED. Yes, my beautiful wedding gown that I had preserved about 8 weeks ago was delivered WHILE I was on the phone with the divorce lawyer. #justmyluck
I floated down the stairs on a dark cloud to see this big box labeled “Wedding Gown Preservation” in big font across the top. “Is that really a wedding gown?” asked one of my neighbors that I sometimes share elevator pleasantries with. “Are you getting married?” she asked in a very sweet and excited tone. “I was” I said flatly. I didn’t have it in me to explain that I was already married…during the height of the pandemic when we had to cancel our wedding reception. That we ended up having a beautiful backyard wedding instead where I had to wear a white jumpsuit because the bridal store had closed due to COVID-19. I also didn’t have the mental capacity to tell her that I got my wedding dress preserved in the hopes of being able to wear it one day. “He’ll come back home one day” I told myself as I made the decision to spend close to $300 to have this dress preserved. That’s how much I believe in us.
My neighbor then said, “Life is curious that way, isn’t it? You just never know how it’s going to turn.” Something about this, for some reason unbeknownst to me, instilled some hope. Yes, life is curious. Yes, it does have twists and turns. So why wouldn’t it turn again? “I’m banking on that” I said to her. I should really catch her name next time.
About two hours later I’m at the mall looking for skinny jeans. NEWSFLASH: Skinny jeans are NOT cool anymore. At least thats what the snarky sales associate told me as she was ringing up my items. “Maybe they’ll come back in style one day” she said to me with a faint smile. She then went on and on about how my choice in jeans were outdated and not “in” anymore. She was actually borderline berating me. Umm excuse me?? I’m making a sale for you aren’t I??
My aunt who was standing next to me had a look on her face (I could tell even though she was wearing a mask) that said “Why is she saying this and what is Megg going to say back?” It was pure panic and it was absolutely hilarious. The bitch behind the registered continued, “you must have gone to a lot of different stores before finding these skinny jeans.” What an absolute gem she was.
Usually I’m quick witted and can come up with a comeback in a snap. In these situations (not that they happen often), I stand my ground. But all I could muster up with a defeated affect was, “actually, this is the first store we’ve been to.” THAT was my big clap back. The most anticlimactic confrontation I’ve ever experienced. On the way home my aunt and I laughed at my terrible rebuttal, the bitchy sales associate and the fact that the recent events in my life has truly turned by brain into scrambled eggs. #justmyluck
OK, so I spared you and only hashtagged twice. You get the drift. This entry was a little more serious but I thought it was important that I give you some context about who I am and what I am battling at the moment. Every day I am slowly growing stronger and finding more and more glimpses of myself. I am also finding ways to laugh and find silver linings, even when life can’t seem to ease up. I will be whole again one day, I will make sure of that.
If you are reading this, chances are high that your brain has been replaced with scrambled eggs, too, for one reason or another. Just remember that you are not alone – As you can see, I am right there with you. Don’t forget to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to drop a line. Until next time, peeps!